It Ain't Easy

Being a single mother is not easy.  Not having a partner, a friend, to be there for you each day to share the joys and chores of each day with.  I don't think people truly appreciate how difficult it is to raise a child and take care of a home all by yourself until you actually have to do it. But even when I was married I still had to do a lot of things on my own. For the better part of 10 years of marriage I spent most weeknights alone.  By the time my daughter was born I was used to being alone during the week and taking care of most things by myself. Her father became the fun, weekend dad.  So, in retrospect, being a single mom was no different, except that I was alone every weekend.  

Being a single mother is difficult.  Being a divorced mother trying to date again is also difficult, but for very different reasons. It's hard enough opening your heart again after having it broken, whether you're 20 or 50.  It's hard to trust again, let alone feel desirable and sexy with gray hair, wrinkles, c-section scars, sagging breasts, and whatever else motherhood has gifted you with.  But even resilient women like myself have a tough time venturing out into the dating world again when you've been in a relationship for nearly 20 years.  Times are much different than they were back then, and dating men in their 40s is much different than dating men in their 20s. They are very different, if you can even find a decent one worth dating. 

After losing your best friend and soulmate to another woman, you start to question yourself and your self worth.  You wonder whether anyone will ever love you again, and if they do, will they love you the way you want to be loved.  Self-doubt consumes you and you feel unwanted.  Suddenly you realize why some people choose to stay single, or put another way, avoid dating.  It's certainly one way to keep from feeling rejected and abandoned ever again.  The thought of starting over is just too painful.  

But in all the pain and healing that comes after a broken marriage, you never expect to feel judged by your friends and family, even divorced friends.  It's ironic that those who want the best for you can be so hurtful.  They know your ex was unfaithful, yet there's always a hint of judgement; if I'm such a great person,why would he cheat?  I must have done something to drive him away.  And even if they are genuinely supportive, it's conditional. Conditional upon you living your life they way they think you should. 

Heaven forbid you try to get on with your life and start dating.  It's fine as long as you wait for the required period of time, whatever that is, and stay in the same relationship forever.  Not exactly how life works.  I've heard lectures and suggestions on staying single, as if people know what's best for me.  Apparently, when your husband leaves you for another woman, you're supposed to be single for at least half as many years as you were married, adopt some cats, and stay home every weekend and knit.  And if you decide to date someone, you certainly can't fall in love before the required waiting period is over.  Sounds like purchasing a hand gun. Who are these people who supposedly want what's best for you?  Do they even know you?!  Do they even have a track record for a perfect marriage that gives them the authority to speak on the subject?  Hardly.  Even if they do, they certainly haven't walked a mile in your shoes.  So what gives?

And think twice before sharing your new love life on social media. Because if things don't work out, there will be a barrage of questions.  What happened?  What was wrong with that one?  Or, Why don't you just stay single for a while?  It's so easy for people to sit back and opinion-ate from their comfortably married lives. Even those who are divorced and have never remarried have the nerve to comment.  Here's the bottom line: even if you are divorced, if you haven't dared to put yourself back out there and try another relationship, then don't talk to me about mine.  And if you haven't walked in my shoes, keep your opinions to yourself.  The only thing that should come out of your mouth is, "I'm here for you. I'm happy for you."  Maybe even, "I admire you for being so resilient." Or, "I admire your positive attitude after everything that happened.  I admire how strong you are.  I admire you putting yourself back out there after such heartbreak."  

I can definitely say I am different from many people in that when I do fall down I don't stay down for long.  I'm one of the most resilient people I know.  Yes, I bleed.  Yes, my heart aches.  I'm human.  But I am also brave, courageous, and I will not sit back, wallow in self-pity and feel sorry for myself.  I keep moving forward.  Yesterday is behind me and tomorrow is a new day.  I pick myself up, brush myself off, and get back on that horse.  But just because I move through adversity quickly doesn't mean I'm wrong.  It doesn't mean I'm not ready for a new relationship.  It doesn't mean I need to stay single for a while.  Everyone is different.  Some people date very few people in life and find their soul mate quickly and stay together forever.  Some people never date and never find anyone.  Some people date a lot and never find the one, and others don't mind kissing a few frogs before finding a suitable mate.  Likewise, some people don't need a lot of time to "get over" someone.  Especially when you weren't happy.  In fact, being able to move on is a healthy sign.  It says that you recognize that you deserve better.  It says you don't live in the past and you know that the future can be whatever you make of it.  It says you love yourself and know that you deserve to be with someone who truly appreciates you.  It's also a sign that you're not afraid to start over.  And yes, I am an eternal optimist. 

So if you see me smiling, be happy for me.  If you don't, offer an ear and some support.  Someday you may find yourself divorced and trying to start your life over again.