You're cruising along through life and everything seems to be going fine: you go to college, meet a great guy, start your career, finish graduate school, get married, buy a house and start a family... The world is at your feet and you've got everything you ever wanted, including the white picket fence.
But sometimes life throws a few curve balls and your picture-perfect, picket-white-fence comes crashing down. Losing your mother to cancer is difficult. It isn't something you get over, but time helps you learn how to accept it and find a way to move on. Finding out that your husband and of nearly 8 years, and best friend of nearly 18 years, isn't who you thought he was, now that's devastating.
I'll gloss over the details to avoid reliving the pain as I type this, but the short story is, I noticed things were different, very different, so I dug around only to have my suspicions confirmed in abundance. Lesson #1: trust your gut. After much deliberation I decided to do the unthinkable, forgive AND forget. But alas, that very night a big red heart popped up on his phone. We tried marriage counseling, but in order for that to work your partner has to participate...so that was out. We eventually divorced.
To make matters worse, I had recently been laid off and purchased an on-line business with my mother-in-law. Needless to say, I had to start searching for full-time employment. As luck, or divine intervention, would have it, I found a job working with a local non-profit organization. It was half the income of my previous position and offered no benefits, but it was a perfect fit for that period of my life. Not only did it allow me to make ends meet, but it enhanced my career by allowing me to learn the nuances of managing a nonprofit. Incidentally, it allowed my daughter to enroll in a local charter school that could not be in a more convenient location. In short, although it was not a forever job, I could not have orchestrated a better opportunity for that transitional period in my life.
Another not-so-positive situation created an unexpectedly good outcome. Seeking company in my recently divorced misery, I decided to have drinks with a college friend who was also divorced with children. Her advice on dating after divorce left me feeling less-than optimistic. So, me being my "don't tell me what I can/can't do" self, decided to prove her wrong, and off to the on-line dating world I went.
Low and behold, my pointless mission of proving that I was still desirable as a 40-something divorced mother, was inadvertently successfully. My "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" line over a seemingly benign lunch turned into something I never would have expected in a million years. Long story short, we dated for a year and moved in together. Sadly, we weren't as great a match living together as we were before that, but at least we're still friends.
In the end, I was paying a mortgage on a house I could not afford but had lived in for 12 years, and grew up in decades before that. A house full of family memories with a mother, grandfather and aunts that are no longer living. In spite of the pain, I knew it was time to let go. The memories will always be there, but I knew God would give me beauty for those ashes.
I have spent most of 2016 feeling sad and angry. It feels like God took away my mother, my husband, my marriage, my career, and my happily ever after in the blink of an eye. Everything that made me happy is gone. The one remaining blessing in my life being my daughter, and I thank God for her every day. I also have friends and family to be thankful for, who have been supportive and loving through it all.
My faith tells me that this too shall pass, and that God has something much better in store for me. Something else is around the corner, something better than I could ever imagine. It's so hard waiting and being patient. Deep down I know everything will be ok, but these past few years have not been easy. So often I ask, "WHY?" Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why did you have to take away my mother so soon? Why did my career have to take a hit? Why can't I find someone who will love me for who I am and treat me with respect? Why did my marriage have to end? Why did this relationship fail?
And then I re-read the intro to my blog about the tapestry of life, and I am reminded that although I cannot make sense of the criss-crossed threads on the backside of the weaving, on the other side is a beautiful design that is not yet completed. I also go back and re-read my previous blog posts and am reminded that God does not create any masterpieces overnight. The great oaks, the tall sequoias, the grandest of mountains and the deepest of oceans, all took years to grow and create. And so, I turn the page to this latest chapter in my life, and look forward with hope and faith to the next.
