2017

The beginning of a new year usually makes us reflect back on the last one, the highs, the lows, and what we want the next year of our life to look like.  This new year was no different.  

Looking back on 2017, it was one of the most unique and different years of my life.  It was like no other, and in many ways felt like a reset button.  Perhaps an indication that I had reached a significant turning point in my life.  

The prior three years, 2014 - 2016, were turbulent to say the least.  Divorce, a new line of work, a new relationship, selling my family home... And though they were not the best years of my life, I dare say they were some of the most educational years of my life in which I grew by leaps and bounds.  My faith was tested, I matured, and learned how to love myself and have a self-confidence I've never had before.  I struggled with sadness and depression at times, and others I felt a happiness and excitement greater than I had felt in years.

2017 was a year of relaxation, renewal, focus, and spiritual growth.  Eager to turn the page and start a new chapter in my life, I attacked every day with a fresh, new attitude.  I aggressively pursued everything I wanted in my life, a career, a fulfilling relationship.  But in the end, no matter how badly we want something, no matter how hard we push and pursue, things will not happen on our time - they happen on God's time. And even the things that don't work out, work to our benefit. 

One of the most valuable lessons I learned was learning to let go of things that are not good for me.  One particular relationship was good for a season.  It helped me to see that there was life after divorce, and that it was possible to love again.  But after it had run its course, I tried to cling to something that was no longer working.  I kept allowing this person back into my life, hoping they had somehow changed, hoping things could work out.  I was clinging to the good memories and making exceptions for the bad memories. Probably because I wanted it to work out.  But in the end, this person continued to repeat the same patterns of bad behavior, disrespect and manipulation.  After seeing this so many times, I had to ask myself who was to blame.  Him, for being so mean, or me for repeatedly tolerating the same bad behavior and hoping for a different outcome.  

Some may say I was a glutton for punishment, a push-over, or simply too nice.  But I sleep better at night knowing that I gave someone a chance (or several chances) to start over and do things differently.  I feel better about turning the page and moving on when I know that, beyond a shadow of doubt, things with that person will never work out.  I guess you could say I give them plenty of rope with which to hang themselves!  At least I don't end relationships hastily.  I am kind, forgiving, tolerant, and understanding.  

I've struggled many times in relationships focusing on what a great person they were in the beginning, and trying to reconcile that with the person they turned into.  I simply can't wrap my mind around the flip.  But I guess it's not for me to figure out.  Looking back on the men I dated in 2017, I can think of only 2 who were truly good, kind and decent. We weren't a good match personality-wise, but they were quality people. The other 3 were quite the opposite and did a 180 after only a month.  On the upside, it taught me to hone my radar so I can more easily spot these men going forward.  On the downside, it made me a little jaded and somewhat reluctant to date again.  But I haven't lost all hope of meeting someone.  I just know that I deserve better and need to be more selective with who a give my time and attention to. I deserve to be with someone who is kind, caring and happy.  I haven't met him yet, but God knows who he is and when we will meet.  

God has taken care of my every need in life, always.  No matter what has happened, I have always been blessed with His favor, and in time, everything has ALWAYS worked out for the best.  Patience is all I need to wait for God's next blessings.  I wait with expectancy for the new beginnings and blessings He has in store for Taylor and I in 2018.  Amen!