2017

The beginning of a new year usually makes us reflect back on the last one, the highs, the lows, and what we want the next year of our life to look like.  This new year was no different.  

Looking back on 2017, it was one of the most unique and different years of my life.  It was like no other, and in many ways felt like a reset button.  Perhaps an indication that I had reached a significant turning point in my life.  

The prior three years, 2014 - 2016, were turbulent to say the least.  Divorce, a new line of work, a new relationship, selling my family home... And though they were not the best years of my life, I dare say they were some of the most educational years of my life in which I grew by leaps and bounds.  My faith was tested, I matured, and learned how to love myself and have a self-confidence I've never had before.  I struggled with sadness and depression at times, and others I felt a happiness and excitement greater than I had felt in years.

2017 was a year of relaxation, renewal, focus, and spiritual growth.  Eager to turn the page and start a new chapter in my life, I attacked every day with a fresh, new attitude.  I aggressively pursued everything I wanted in my life, a career, a fulfilling relationship.  But in the end, no matter how badly we want something, no matter how hard we push and pursue, things will not happen on our time - they happen on God's time. And even the things that don't work out, work to our benefit. 

One of the most valuable lessons I learned was learning to let go of things that are not good for me.  One particular relationship was good for a season.  It helped me to see that there was life after divorce, and that it was possible to love again.  But after it had run its course, I tried to cling to something that was no longer working.  I kept allowing this person back into my life, hoping they had somehow changed, hoping things could work out.  I was clinging to the good memories and making exceptions for the bad memories. Probably because I wanted it to work out.  But in the end, this person continued to repeat the same patterns of bad behavior, disrespect and manipulation.  After seeing this so many times, I had to ask myself who was to blame.  Him, for being so mean, or me for repeatedly tolerating the same bad behavior and hoping for a different outcome.  

Some may say I was a glutton for punishment, a push-over, or simply too nice.  But I sleep better at night knowing that I gave someone a chance (or several chances) to start over and do things differently.  I feel better about turning the page and moving on when I know that, beyond a shadow of doubt, things with that person will never work out.  I guess you could say I give them plenty of rope with which to hang themselves!  At least I don't end relationships hastily.  I am kind, forgiving, tolerant, and understanding.  

I've struggled many times in relationships focusing on what a great person they were in the beginning, and trying to reconcile that with the person they turned into.  I simply can't wrap my mind around the flip.  But I guess it's not for me to figure out.  Looking back on the men I dated in 2017, I can think of only 2 who were truly good, kind and decent. We weren't a good match personality-wise, but they were quality people. The other 3 were quite the opposite and did a 180 after only a month.  On the upside, it taught me to hone my radar so I can more easily spot these men going forward.  On the downside, it made me a little jaded and somewhat reluctant to date again.  But I haven't lost all hope of meeting someone.  I just know that I deserve better and need to be more selective with who a give my time and attention to. I deserve to be with someone who is kind, caring and happy.  I haven't met him yet, but God knows who he is and when we will meet.  

God has taken care of my every need in life, always.  No matter what has happened, I have always been blessed with His favor, and in time, everything has ALWAYS worked out for the best.  Patience is all I need to wait for God's next blessings.  I wait with expectancy for the new beginnings and blessings He has in store for Taylor and I in 2018.  Amen!

It Ain't Easy

Being a single mother is not easy.  Not having a partner, a friend, to be there for you each day to share the joys and chores of each day with.  I don't think people truly appreciate how difficult it is to raise a child and take care of a home all by yourself until you actually have to do it. But even when I was married I still had to do a lot of things on my own. For the better part of 10 years of marriage I spent most weeknights alone.  By the time my daughter was born I was used to being alone during the week and taking care of most things by myself. Her father became the fun, weekend dad.  So, in retrospect, being a single mom was no different, except that I was alone every weekend.  

Being a single mother is difficult.  Being a divorced mother trying to date again is also difficult, but for very different reasons. It's hard enough opening your heart again after having it broken, whether you're 20 or 50.  It's hard to trust again, let alone feel desirable and sexy with gray hair, wrinkles, c-section scars, sagging breasts, and whatever else motherhood has gifted you with.  But even resilient women like myself have a tough time venturing out into the dating world again when you've been in a relationship for nearly 20 years.  Times are much different than they were back then, and dating men in their 40s is much different than dating men in their 20s. They are very different, if you can even find a decent one worth dating. 

After losing your best friend and soulmate to another woman, you start to question yourself and your self worth.  You wonder whether anyone will ever love you again, and if they do, will they love you the way you want to be loved.  Self-doubt consumes you and you feel unwanted.  Suddenly you realize why some people choose to stay single, or put another way, avoid dating.  It's certainly one way to keep from feeling rejected and abandoned ever again.  The thought of starting over is just too painful.  

But in all the pain and healing that comes after a broken marriage, you never expect to feel judged by your friends and family, even divorced friends.  It's ironic that those who want the best for you can be so hurtful.  They know your ex was unfaithful, yet there's always a hint of judgement; if I'm such a great person,why would he cheat?  I must have done something to drive him away.  And even if they are genuinely supportive, it's conditional. Conditional upon you living your life they way they think you should. 

Heaven forbid you try to get on with your life and start dating.  It's fine as long as you wait for the required period of time, whatever that is, and stay in the same relationship forever.  Not exactly how life works.  I've heard lectures and suggestions on staying single, as if people know what's best for me.  Apparently, when your husband leaves you for another woman, you're supposed to be single for at least half as many years as you were married, adopt some cats, and stay home every weekend and knit.  And if you decide to date someone, you certainly can't fall in love before the required waiting period is over.  Sounds like purchasing a hand gun. Who are these people who supposedly want what's best for you?  Do they even know you?!  Do they even have a track record for a perfect marriage that gives them the authority to speak on the subject?  Hardly.  Even if they do, they certainly haven't walked a mile in your shoes.  So what gives?

And think twice before sharing your new love life on social media. Because if things don't work out, there will be a barrage of questions.  What happened?  What was wrong with that one?  Or, Why don't you just stay single for a while?  It's so easy for people to sit back and opinion-ate from their comfortably married lives. Even those who are divorced and have never remarried have the nerve to comment.  Here's the bottom line: even if you are divorced, if you haven't dared to put yourself back out there and try another relationship, then don't talk to me about mine.  And if you haven't walked in my shoes, keep your opinions to yourself.  The only thing that should come out of your mouth is, "I'm here for you. I'm happy for you."  Maybe even, "I admire you for being so resilient." Or, "I admire your positive attitude after everything that happened.  I admire how strong you are.  I admire you putting yourself back out there after such heartbreak."  

I can definitely say I am different from many people in that when I do fall down I don't stay down for long.  I'm one of the most resilient people I know.  Yes, I bleed.  Yes, my heart aches.  I'm human.  But I am also brave, courageous, and I will not sit back, wallow in self-pity and feel sorry for myself.  I keep moving forward.  Yesterday is behind me and tomorrow is a new day.  I pick myself up, brush myself off, and get back on that horse.  But just because I move through adversity quickly doesn't mean I'm wrong.  It doesn't mean I'm not ready for a new relationship.  It doesn't mean I need to stay single for a while.  Everyone is different.  Some people date very few people in life and find their soul mate quickly and stay together forever.  Some people never date and never find anyone.  Some people date a lot and never find the one, and others don't mind kissing a few frogs before finding a suitable mate.  Likewise, some people don't need a lot of time to "get over" someone.  Especially when you weren't happy.  In fact, being able to move on is a healthy sign.  It says that you recognize that you deserve better.  It says you don't live in the past and you know that the future can be whatever you make of it.  It says you love yourself and know that you deserve to be with someone who truly appreciates you.  It's also a sign that you're not afraid to start over.  And yes, I am an eternal optimist. 

So if you see me smiling, be happy for me.  If you don't, offer an ear and some support.  Someday you may find yourself divorced and trying to start your life over again. 

Waiting for the Next Chapter

You're cruising along through life and everything seems to be going fine: you go to college, meet a great guy, start your career, finish graduate school, get married, buy a house and start a family... The world is at your feet and you've got everything you ever wanted, including the white picket fence.

But sometimes life throws a few curve balls and your picture-perfect, picket-white-fence comes crashing down.  Losing your mother to cancer is difficult.  It isn't something you get over, but time helps you learn how to accept it and find a way to move on.  Finding out that your husband and of nearly 8 years, and best friend of nearly 18 years, isn't who you thought he was, now that's devastating. 

I'll gloss over the details to avoid reliving the pain as I type this, but the short story is, I noticed things were different, very different, so I dug around only to have my suspicions confirmed in abundance.  Lesson #1: trust your gut.  After much deliberation I decided to do the unthinkable, forgive AND forget.  But alas, that very night a big red heart popped up on his phone.  We tried marriage counseling, but in order for that to work your partner has to participate...so that was out. We eventually divorced. 

To make matters worse, I had recently been laid off and purchased an on-line business with my mother-in-law.  Needless to say, I had to start searching for full-time employment.  As luck, or divine intervention, would have it, I found a job working with a local non-profit organization.  It was half the income of my previous position and offered no benefits, but it was a perfect fit for that period of my life.  Not only did it allow me to make ends meet, but it enhanced my career by allowing me to learn the nuances of managing a nonprofit.  Incidentally, it allowed my daughter to enroll in a local charter school that could not be in a more convenient location.  In short, although it was not a forever job, I could not have orchestrated a better opportunity for that transitional period in my life. 

Another not-so-positive situation created an unexpectedly good outcome. Seeking company in my recently divorced misery, I decided to have drinks with a college friend who was also divorced with children.  Her advice on dating after divorce left me feeling less-than optimistic.  So, me being my "don't tell me what I can/can't do" self, decided to prove her wrong, and off to the on-line dating world I went. 

Low and behold, my pointless mission of proving that I was still desirable as a 40-something divorced mother, was inadvertently successfully.  My "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" line over a seemingly benign lunch turned into something I never would have expected in a million years.  Long story short, we dated for a year and moved in together.  Sadly, we weren't as great a match living together as we were before that, but at least we're still friends.

In the end, I was paying a mortgage on a house I could not afford but had lived in for 12 years, and grew up in decades before that.  A house full of family memories with a mother, grandfather and aunts that are no longer living.  In spite of the pain, I knew it was time to let go.  The memories will always be there, but I knew God would give me beauty for those ashes. 

I have spent most of 2016 feeling sad and angry.  It feels like God took away my mother, my husband, my marriage, my career, and my happily ever after in the blink of an eye.  Everything that made me happy is gone.  The one remaining blessing in my life being my daughter, and I thank God for her every day.  I also have friends and family to be thankful for, who have been supportive and loving through it all. 

My faith tells me that this too shall pass, and that God has something much better in store for me. Something else is around the corner, something better than I could ever imagine. It's so hard waiting and being patient.  Deep down I know everything will be ok, but these past few years have not been easy.  So often I ask, "WHY?"  Why me?  What did I do to deserve this?  Why did you have to take away my mother so soon?  Why did my career have to take a hit?  Why can't I find someone who will love me for who I am and treat me with respect? Why did my marriage have to end?  Why did this relationship fail?  

And then I re-read the intro to my blog about the tapestry of life, and I am reminded that although I cannot make sense of the criss-crossed threads on the backside of the weaving, on the other side is a beautiful design that is not yet completed.  I also go back and re-read my previous blog posts and am reminded that God does not create any masterpieces overnight.  The great oaks, the tall sequoias, the grandest of mountains and the deepest of oceans, all took years to grow and create.  And so, I turn the page to this latest chapter in my life, and look forward with hope and faith to the next. 

The Golden Rule vs The Platinum Rule

The golden rule says: 

"do unto others as you would have them do unto you" or "treat others the way you want to be treated".

This biblical principle is often misinterpreted. The literal translation implies that we are all the same we all want the same things.  However, we are all different, and we all want different things.  

The platinum rule says:
"treat others the way THEY want to be treated". 

The Platinum Rule accommodates the feelings of others. The focus of relationships shifts from "this is what I want, so I'll give everyone the same thing" to "let me first understand what they want and then I'll give it to them."

The concept sounds simple but in practice is not always so easy.  After 40 years I think I may finally be starting to understand this. 

God's Delays Are Not His Denials

This is a great excerpt from:  http://rickwarren.org/devotional/english/a-delay-is-not-a-denial-from-god 

"Remember how far you've come, not just how far you have to go."

The Bible is filled with examples of how God uses a long process to develop character, especially in leaders. He took eighty years to prepare Moses, including forty in the wilderness. For 14,600 days Moses kept waiting and wondering, "Is it time yet?" But God kept saying, "Not yet."

Contrary to popular book titles, there are no Easy Steps to Maturity or Secrets of Instant Sainthood. When God wants to make a giant oak, he takes a hundred years, but when he want to make a mushroom, he does it overnight. Great souls are grown through struggles and storms and seasons of suffering. Be patient with the process. James advised, "Don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed." (James 1:4, Msg)

Don't get discouraged. When Habakkuk became depressed because he didn't think God was acting quickly enough, God had this to say: "These things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!" (Habakkuk 2:3, LB)

Remember how far you've come, not just how far you have to go. You are not where you want to be, but neither are you where you used to be. Years ago people wore a popular button with the letters PBPGINFWMY. It stood for "Please Be Patient, God Is Not Finished With Me Yet." God isn't finished with you, either, so keep moving forward. Even the snail reached the ark by persevering!

In what area of your spiritual growth do you need to be more patient and persistent?

The Conscious Marriage - Learning Something New

Great take-aways from the book Getting the Love You Want...

Ironically, we are actually safer in a relationship when we lower our defenses than if we keep them up, because our partner becomes an ally not an enemy.

Ten Guidelines for a Conscious Marriage

1. Realize that our love relationship has a hidden purpose - to heal childhood wounds, and change bad behaviors so we can grow as individuals.
2. Create a more accurate image of our partner.  Let go of illusions and begin to see our partner for who they really are.  We see our partner not as our savior, but as another wounded human being, struggling to be healed.
3. Take responsibility for communicating our needs and desires to our partner.  Don't cling to the childhood belief that our partner automatically knows our needs.  Instead, accept the fact that in order to understand each other, we have to develop clear channels of communication.
4. Train yourself to behave in a more constructive manner.
5. Don't assume that your partner's role in life is to take care of your needs magically.  Let go of this narcissistic view and devote more energy to meeting your own needs and then meeting your partner's needs.
6. Acknowledge your negative traits and accept responsibility for the things that you need to work on.
7. Find sources other than your partner to meet your needs.
8. Search within yourself for areas of need and help yourself grow, instead of relying on your partner to support you where you're weak.
9. Work on connecting to the people around you.
10. Accept the difficulty of creating a good marriage.  Instead of believing that the way to have a good marriage is to pick the right partner, realize that you have to BE the right partner and remember that a good marriage requires commitment, discipline, and the courage to grow and change; marriage is hard work.

Don't Let Disappointment Overshadow Reasons To Be Thankful

Last Sunday's sermon was a great reminder (and wake up call) that we shouldn't let life's set backs, disappointments, or petty annoyances distract us from seeing His presence in our lives.

The Pastor's sermon referenced Luke 24:13-35, and described the time after Jesus' death when the disciples were so upset about His death that they failed to realize He was there walking and talking with them all along. It wasn't until they broke bread together that they realized who He was.

Too often we pray and pray and pray and pray for something, but when our prayer(s) is/are answered it's not usually in the way in which we expect, or presents itself in such a circuitous manner that we don't even realize the blessing we've received.  Meanwhile, other events in our lives are weighing on us and distracting us from seeing that we should be celebrating the positives, instead of complaining about the negatives.

I am so guilty of missing the forest for the trees, on an almost daily basis it seems.  So caught up in the small, mundane disappointments of everyday life that I forget to step back and see that God has provided nearly everything I have ever asked for.  So why do I continue to let the petty things overshadow the greater things He has done in my life?  It's easy to do; get caught up in the day-to-day.  I need to have more faith, that no matter what happens each day, God is in control and the little things will work themselves out.  So, I will try to remember to celebrate the forest, instead of worrying about the weeds among the trees.

Thank you, Lord, for giving us the strength we needed!

Deuteronomy 31:6  Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

 

Isaiah 41:10  fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

 

Exodus 15:2 The LORD is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation; this is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.

 

Philippians 4:13  I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

 

Psalm 18:32-34  the God who equipped me with strength and made my way blameless. He made my feet like the feet of a deer  and set me secure on the heights. He trains my hands for war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

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After 3 days straight of rain this week, the sun is out today.  Appropriately symbolic for the storm we just went through, and emerged from victorious!  Even though it was only raining outside, we feel like we just went through a hurricane and tornado combined!  Still battered and bruised, but we will be ok. 

Thanks be to God, we endured the last 24 hours with grace, confidence, and dignity.  We held our heads up high and by the end of the day we were redeemed and vindicated!  We have been through an emotional rollercoaster since Tuesday night, and our greatest sadness is that our daughter had to be subjected to 3 different examinations.  All with mom/dad present, and all with toys and gifts, and lollipops galore, but still not a typical day for a 2 1/2 year old.  Our hope is that these memories will not stay with her for long or have any negative effects on her.  We are also disappointed and deeply saddened that the school we had held in such high regard and was so happy to have her attend, is now forever stained in our minds, and will always have bitter memories for Mike and I. 

We must have faith that God's plan, although not clear to us now, will prove to be better than our intended plan, and we will find an even better school for Taylor in the end! 

And another angel goes to heaven

Last month, my grandmother's sister lost her battle with cancer.  She lived a long and wonderful life, but we will miss her dearly.  She left quite a mark in our hearts with her motherly ways and nurturing spirit, and we will always remember her. 

Let Go and Let God!

...or so the saying goes.  But how?  How do we actually "let go" and stop worrying?  Personally, I find it much easier said than done.  Where's the switch?  Distraction works best, but despite my best attempts the worry often creeps back and spoils whatever I am doing to distract myself from thinking, worrying, and obsessing about the thing causing me stress (which is usually work related). 

So, this is my new quest: How to stop the worrying and let go.  I suppose this is a lifelong process, unless of course they have medication to turn it off (which is not exaclty the ideal solution in my opinion).  Which brings me to my second quest: how to listen for God's messages and really hear what He is saying.  When times are tough is He simply testing our will and faith to make us stronger, or telling us to turn a corner and find a new direction?